16 Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn
- By Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in a single word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (Yes! This one is for you Beks.)
7. Never lick a steak knife. (Done it, haven't gotten hurt yet) (Another side note: my friend - you know who you are - once stole a steak knife from a restaurant before. Gotta love those take-home boxes).
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. (OH MY GOODNESS!!! SO TRUE!!! I absoletly hate daylights saving time and am not sure why we even deal with it, especially when most everyone else - even a state or two in our own country - don't)
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! AGAIN, SO TRUE!)
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. (Um, negative on this one. I vote this one as my least favorite! There is no age limit on birthday celebrations!)
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) (If you know me at you'll understand when I say that this is my favorite on this list)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16: Final thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the snot out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.